The Waiting Weary

We've now been on the wait list over a year.  It wasn't really an anniversary I felt like celebrating, so I'm writing about it a few weeks after the fact. We spent 8 months completing our paperwork to get us wait list ready...so we're now at about 20 months of gearing up for a baby.  No, we haven't painted the nursery.

Did you know elephants have 2 year pregnancies?

Fredrik is being consumed by work, and thankfully for him he doesn't have time to think about much else...but I'm getting weary.  There is a heaviness I can't shake.

I can't emotionally afford to keep reading about adoption, Ethiopia, participating in our agency's FB group, thinking about our baby boy, and his birth family every day....but if I don't I feel disconnected, and then I feel guilty.

I don't want Kysa to suffer from my funk.  She certainly deserves a happy mommy.  Thankfully, her joy is infectious and I can reserve my personal funk for my alone time (ahem, what alone time?).

On last summer's beach vacay, I stood on the beach with one of my best friends and with complete certainty I announced that next summer we'd have a baby boy playing on the beach.  I'm now ordering new swimsuits for this summer's trip with no baby in sight.  And I can say with complete uncertainty that I'm not sure if baby boy will be on NEXT summer's beach vacation.

And now I feel like a jerk for whining about waiting when our baby and his birth family will have their world torn apart in order to relieve our waiting woes.  Welcome to the downward spiral of my mind.

I wish I had an optimistic remark to end on, so....

Thank you for checking in on us...your support means so much.

Namaste,
Allison