We've now been on the wait list over a year. It wasn't really an anniversary I felt like celebrating, so I'm writing about it a few weeks after the fact. We spent 8 months completing our paperwork to get us wait list ready...so we're now at about 20 months of gearing up for a baby. No, we haven't painted the nursery.
Did you know elephants have 2 year pregnancies?
Fredrik is being consumed by work, and thankfully for him he doesn't have time to think about much else...but I'm getting weary. There is a heaviness I can't shake.
I can't emotionally afford to keep reading about adoption, Ethiopia, participating in our agency's FB group, thinking about our baby boy, and his birth family every day....but if I don't I feel disconnected, and then I feel guilty.
I don't want Kysa to suffer from my funk. She certainly deserves a happy mommy. Thankfully, her joy is infectious and I can reserve my personal funk for my alone time (ahem, what alone time?).
On last summer's beach vacay, I stood on the beach with one of my best friends and with complete certainty I announced that next summer we'd have a baby boy playing on the beach. I'm now ordering new swimsuits for this summer's trip with no baby in sight. And I can say with complete uncertainty that I'm not sure if baby boy will be on NEXT summer's beach vacation.
And now I feel like a jerk for whining about waiting when our baby and his birth family will have their world torn apart in order to relieve our waiting woes. Welcome to the downward spiral of my mind.
I wish I had an optimistic remark to end on, so....
Thank you for checking in on us...your support means so much.
Namaste,
Allison
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Baby E Update
We have the fantastic news to share that Baby E has a forever family!! It's not us, but we couldn't be happier for her and her new family! We are indeed celebrating! Thank you all for praying for her, donating money, and sending her love...please remember her in the weeks and months ahead as her journey will not be an easy one even with a loving forever family.
Baby E touched us, and we will forever be changed by her. She unlocked a room in our hearts we didn't know existed...perhaps another little Ethiopian girl will one day occupy it.
In the meantime...we turn our hope, faith and love to our baby boy. We're soooo ready to meet him.
We are currently officially #11/unofficially #4 on infant boy list
With love and gratitude,
Allison and Fredrik
Baby E touched us, and we will forever be changed by her. She unlocked a room in our hearts we didn't know existed...perhaps another little Ethiopian girl will one day occupy it.
In the meantime...we turn our hope, faith and love to our baby boy. We're soooo ready to meet him.
We are currently officially #11/unofficially #4 on infant boy list
With love and gratitude,
Allison and Fredrik
I can't go back.
First of all, do you think someone is ready for their Ethiopian sibling?Lately, my almost 2 year old, in the midst of toddler frustration says this sad and disillusioned mantra: "I can't go back, I can't go back."
Most days she is full of confidence and marches around announcing to the world, "I'm a BIG girl," But often times when she'd exhausted, she cries and whines her mantra "I can't go back" as I tell her to pull up her underwear by herself, put her shoes on, use the potty, wipe her bottom. There is a sadness at the realization that yes, this potty thing is FOREVER.
I believe her internal monologue must sound like this: I am growing up. I can't pretend I don't know how to put on my shoes. I can't go back to diapers because I know how to go potty...I can't go back, I can't go back.
It's killing me.
...for I too know how she feels. I can't go back to my pre-adoption heart, to my pre-adoption not knowing. This adoption process has broken my heart a million times over, and for that I'm glad. Just as Kysa is very proud of growing up and feeling the mastery of accomplishment, I'm also happy that I'm growing up too...and the accomplishment is having my heart blown wide open by forces and events I couldn't have imagined...but oh, the growing pains!!
Sometimes I want to join her toddler tantrum and repeat those potent words, "I can't go back, I can't go back." But I won't...because I'm a big girl (wink, wink).
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day....indeed!!
What's better than flowers, cards, romantic dinners, and yummy sweets on Valentine's Day??
Moving up TWO spots on our adoption wait list!! We are officially #11 and unofficially #6 with 5 families on hold in front of us. We're doing the happy dance at our house right now, can you hear us? Yahoooooo!!!!!
The referral today was a 3 month old boy which makes us SUPER excited!!
On this day symbolized by hearts, ours are full and open and ready to welcome our son.
We're waiting for you Mamoosh. While your papa and I just want you in our arms, Kysa says she hopes you have hair...but that's negotiable.
There are days when I doubt this adoption will ever happen....BUT NOT TODAY :-))))!!!
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
Moving up TWO spots on our adoption wait list!! We are officially #11 and unofficially #6 with 5 families on hold in front of us. We're doing the happy dance at our house right now, can you hear us? Yahoooooo!!!!!
The referral today was a 3 month old boy which makes us SUPER excited!!
On this day symbolized by hearts, ours are full and open and ready to welcome our son.
We're waiting for you Mamoosh. While your papa and I just want you in our arms, Kysa says she hopes you have hair...but that's negotiable.
There are days when I doubt this adoption will ever happen....BUT NOT TODAY :-))))!!!
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Everyday Magic
Last night was an epic "rock you" (meaning rock me) to sleep marathon.
Mama, rock you....pleez?
Mama, sing...pleez?
Mama, bed...pleez?
Toss, turn, stare off into space....
Mama, read book....pleez? (denied after first 3 requests)
Repeat (a thousand times)
Just when I thought Kysa (20 months) was really close to dreamland, she bolted upright on my lap and reached for my necklace. She took the pendant, a silver Africa with a heart cut out over Ethiopia, and looked at it closely as if considering something deeply. She looked me in the eye and said, "Africa, Mama." Then she pressed the pendant to my lips for me to kiss, and then laid her head on my chest with her cheek pressed against the pendant. She fell fast to sleep.
As this adoption process drags on and on it's easy to doubt its realness. Who knew it would take a moment of child generated magic to remind me of just how real it is?
...to remind me of the realness of a child's intuition
...to remind me of the realness of our connection with each other
...and to remind me of the realness of miracles, and love and dreams
Thank you, Kysa, my wise little teacher. I will gladly surrender my exhaustion and frustration to your pearls of wisdom and grace.
Aum Shanti,
Allison
Our latest update: Officially #13, Unofficially #9
Mama, rock you....pleez?
Mama, sing...pleez?
Mama, bed...pleez?
Toss, turn, stare off into space....
Mama, read book....pleez? (denied after first 3 requests)
Repeat (a thousand times)
Just when I thought Kysa (20 months) was really close to dreamland, she bolted upright on my lap and reached for my necklace. She took the pendant, a silver Africa with a heart cut out over Ethiopia, and looked at it closely as if considering something deeply. She looked me in the eye and said, "Africa, Mama." Then she pressed the pendant to my lips for me to kiss, and then laid her head on my chest with her cheek pressed against the pendant. She fell fast to sleep.
As this adoption process drags on and on it's easy to doubt its realness. Who knew it would take a moment of child generated magic to remind me of just how real it is?
...to remind me of the realness of a child's intuition
...to remind me of the realness of our connection with each other
...and to remind me of the realness of miracles, and love and dreams
Thank you, Kysa, my wise little teacher. I will gladly surrender my exhaustion and frustration to your pearls of wisdom and grace.
Aum Shanti,
Allison
Our latest update: Officially #13, Unofficially #9
Monday, December 5, 2011
The stockings are hung...all 4 of them
This past weekend we decorated for the holidays. It's a joyous time of year and one we loved sharing with Kysa as she comes upon her second Christmas.
The tree was put up, lights and ornaments adorn it, and other festive decorations made their way across our home. The stockings were next. One. Two. Three.
Four. The reminder of how last year at this time we were so certain that we'd have our son home for this Christmas that we actually bought him his own stocking. Well, we wanted it to match Kysa's... made sense. But here we are... one, two, three...
This year, we'd just be happy for a referral by NEXT Christmas. Not an easy position to be in, since of course we wish we could know that. I'd be happy if that was fact. Still we know that we are fortunate to have our amazing little Kysa. We know that there are also so many families in our same situation or somewhere in the adoption process who will also have an emotional holiday season. We know that other adoptive families will have a chance to celebrate this year as they bring home their sons and daughters. We will celebrate with these families. We will hope we're in their shoes next year.
There has been and continue to be lots of change, turmoil, progress (you pick your term) in the Ethiopian adoption system. This has created much of the slow-down we have experienced, even if we see very little... it's what we hear, what we piece together... it's the reality we know. We feel fortunate to have an agency that we believe in and trust, that helps.
In the meantime, please don't forget that there is still a famine going on in the Horn of Africa. Yes, even while we laugh and sing... while we eat and drink... while we give and receive... there are millions of people not as fortunate as us. Please think about them, pray for them, and if you have the means... please help them.
http://www.unicefusa.org/work/emergencies/horn-of-africa/
To end on a positive note, we did MOVE UP 1 SPOT today on the wait list. One more forever family accepted their referral today. One more child will be with their forever family for the upcoming Holidays. We move up.
/ fredrik
The tree was put up, lights and ornaments adorn it, and other festive decorations made their way across our home. The stockings were next. One. Two. Three.
Four. The reminder of how last year at this time we were so certain that we'd have our son home for this Christmas that we actually bought him his own stocking. Well, we wanted it to match Kysa's... made sense. But here we are... one, two, three...
This year, we'd just be happy for a referral by NEXT Christmas. Not an easy position to be in, since of course we wish we could know that. I'd be happy if that was fact. Still we know that we are fortunate to have our amazing little Kysa. We know that there are also so many families in our same situation or somewhere in the adoption process who will also have an emotional holiday season. We know that other adoptive families will have a chance to celebrate this year as they bring home their sons and daughters. We will celebrate with these families. We will hope we're in their shoes next year.
There has been and continue to be lots of change, turmoil, progress (you pick your term) in the Ethiopian adoption system. This has created much of the slow-down we have experienced, even if we see very little... it's what we hear, what we piece together... it's the reality we know. We feel fortunate to have an agency that we believe in and trust, that helps.
In the meantime, please don't forget that there is still a famine going on in the Horn of Africa. Yes, even while we laugh and sing... while we eat and drink... while we give and receive... there are millions of people not as fortunate as us. Please think about them, pray for them, and if you have the means... please help them.
http://www.unicefusa.org/work/emergencies/horn-of-africa/
To end on a positive note, we did MOVE UP 1 SPOT today on the wait list. One more forever family accepted their referral today. One more child will be with their forever family for the upcoming Holidays. We move up.
/ fredrik
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
we've got some catching up to do....
I know, I know...it's been a while. I'm a little daunted by all I need to report. I can assure you we've been busy, busy, busy...which has certainly helped occupy our thoughts since we haven't moved up the list. IN FACT...we've actually moved BACK to unofficially #11 since one of the six families on hold in front of us came off being on hold.
At the end of August, we went to Sweden to celebrate the marriage of Fredrik's sister, Viktoria, to John. It was a lovely weekend, despite the fact that I arrived with a kidney infection (seriously miserable plane ride, thank goodness Kysa slept and was in good spirits, but fairly quick recovery once I got some antibiotics). The wedding gave us the opportunity to introduce Kysa to most all of her Swedish relatives. She showed everyone that she knows how to party by taking a power nap after dinner and coming back to the reception to dance until 1am. Sometimes jet lag can work in your favor.
We traveled up to Gothenburg for a few days and then took a train across the country to Stockholm where we stayed with good friends and Kysa enjoyed being around five other kids for a few days. I think she's ready for siblings! We had a fantastic time catching up with old friends and walking around Stockholm, Kysa became an official Swedish citizen and I quickly remembered what a GORGEOUS city Stockholm is and decided that we needed to move there.
I'm not packing my bags just yet....
Almost as soon as we touched down and had a chance to wash our dirty laundry, we spontaneously decided to made a quick weekend trip to New York. Here's why: Marcus Samuelsson (born in Ethiopia, adopted by Swedish parents, now lives in Harlem, and big time celebrity chef) held a benefit brunch at his home in Harlem to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia. We had a great time and met other Ethiopian adoptive families, Ethiopians, Swedes...and generally enjoyed the company of an incredibly diverse, super-cool, BEAUTIFUL group of people.
We met Marcus and his wife, Maya. Maya claims to be from Ethiopia, but seriously, despite how gorgeous Ethiopians are, I don't think she's even from this planet...she's THAT beautiful. And gracious. We had a couple brief conversations, and after she kissed on Kysa, she actually thanked us for opening up our hearts to adopt. Wow. We enjoyed the food, drink and music, especially Kysa who hung out by the dj's table most of the afternoon. When Marcus gave a little talk near the end of the brunch he gave Kysa a shout out, calling her the "little blonde professional Ethiopian dancer." We left completely inspired and feeling so fortunate to be slowly, carefully and eagerly weaving ourselves into the Ethiopian community.
We spent the rest of our time walking around Manhattan. The weather was perfect and we literally clocked over 15 miles of walking in the three days we were there. We visited the Central Park Zoo, the Natural History Museum (Kysa now says "dinosaur" see video below), and we ate at some of our favorite spots, Bubby's and Caracas, just to name a few. Fredrik and I BOTH got homesick for our old city. New York, we miss you! But again, we're not packing our bags just yet.
We returned home, I unpacked our bags. I chopped off my hair (again), and then we repacked and we all headed up to Boone, NC were I spent 4 days training to be a doula. Though I still need to do a couple things to become certified, I am now an official "Dona International trained Doula!" Yippee!! While I was spending time in the company of several lovely ladies and two awesome teachers, Kysa and Fredrik spent time enjoying fall in Boone, and Kysa got to hang out with her grandparents. Great weekend!
Somewhere in the midst of all the travel we also got rid of our big couch to make more room for baby boy, I purged my closet.....Oh yeah, AND I attended a beautifully peaceful birth!
I'm not sure if all this travel, wishing to move to another country, or back to NY, cutting my hair (twice), becoming a doula, getting rid of furniture and clothes is related to the adoption. I'm not sure what other families have done to help cope with all the waiting, but we're obviously ready to embrace change. We're getting antsy. We're ready for a baby...
Given our present coping methods, if we don't have some movement soon who knows what we might do next. Move to Fiji? Matching tattoos? Take up family sky diving? We're open to suggestions...the more radical the better :-)
Om Shanti,
Allison
At the end of August, we went to Sweden to celebrate the marriage of Fredrik's sister, Viktoria, to John. It was a lovely weekend, despite the fact that I arrived with a kidney infection (seriously miserable plane ride, thank goodness Kysa slept and was in good spirits, but fairly quick recovery once I got some antibiotics). The wedding gave us the opportunity to introduce Kysa to most all of her Swedish relatives. She showed everyone that she knows how to party by taking a power nap after dinner and coming back to the reception to dance until 1am. Sometimes jet lag can work in your favor.
We traveled up to Gothenburg for a few days and then took a train across the country to Stockholm where we stayed with good friends and Kysa enjoyed being around five other kids for a few days. I think she's ready for siblings! We had a fantastic time catching up with old friends and walking around Stockholm, Kysa became an official Swedish citizen and I quickly remembered what a GORGEOUS city Stockholm is and decided that we needed to move there.
I'm not packing my bags just yet....
Almost as soon as we touched down and had a chance to wash our dirty laundry, we spontaneously decided to made a quick weekend trip to New York. Here's why: Marcus Samuelsson (born in Ethiopia, adopted by Swedish parents, now lives in Harlem, and big time celebrity chef) held a benefit brunch at his home in Harlem to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia. We had a great time and met other Ethiopian adoptive families, Ethiopians, Swedes...and generally enjoyed the company of an incredibly diverse, super-cool, BEAUTIFUL group of people.
We met Marcus and his wife, Maya. Maya claims to be from Ethiopia, but seriously, despite how gorgeous Ethiopians are, I don't think she's even from this planet...she's THAT beautiful. And gracious. We had a couple brief conversations, and after she kissed on Kysa, she actually thanked us for opening up our hearts to adopt. Wow. We enjoyed the food, drink and music, especially Kysa who hung out by the dj's table most of the afternoon. When Marcus gave a little talk near the end of the brunch he gave Kysa a shout out, calling her the "little blonde professional Ethiopian dancer." We left completely inspired and feeling so fortunate to be slowly, carefully and eagerly weaving ourselves into the Ethiopian community.
We spent the rest of our time walking around Manhattan. The weather was perfect and we literally clocked over 15 miles of walking in the three days we were there. We visited the Central Park Zoo, the Natural History Museum (Kysa now says "dinosaur" see video below), and we ate at some of our favorite spots, Bubby's and Caracas, just to name a few. Fredrik and I BOTH got homesick for our old city. New York, we miss you! But again, we're not packing our bags just yet.
We returned home, I unpacked our bags. I chopped off my hair (again), and then we repacked and we all headed up to Boone, NC were I spent 4 days training to be a doula. Though I still need to do a couple things to become certified, I am now an official "Dona International trained Doula!" Yippee!! While I was spending time in the company of several lovely ladies and two awesome teachers, Kysa and Fredrik spent time enjoying fall in Boone, and Kysa got to hang out with her grandparents. Great weekend!
Somewhere in the midst of all the travel we also got rid of our big couch to make more room for baby boy, I purged my closet.....Oh yeah, AND I attended a beautifully peaceful birth!
I'm not sure if all this travel, wishing to move to another country, or back to NY, cutting my hair (twice), becoming a doula, getting rid of furniture and clothes is related to the adoption. I'm not sure what other families have done to help cope with all the waiting, but we're obviously ready to embrace change. We're getting antsy. We're ready for a baby...
Given our present coping methods, if we don't have some movement soon who knows what we might do next. Move to Fiji? Matching tattoos? Take up family sky diving? We're open to suggestions...the more radical the better :-)
Om Shanti,
Allison
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