Negotiations and Love Songs

A couple weeks ago, we thought we'd moved up one spot on the waiting list.  After contacting our coordinator we discovered we're actually #2 on the unofficial (but the one that counts) wait list.  There were simultaneous tears and laughter when we found out...and THEN I almost threw up and couldn't breathe.

Why?

Because we're in the middle of negotiating EVERYTHING, and I mean everything!!  Every component of our life seems to be a variable at the moment. I will share more details as things fall into place.  But I can tell you the last couple weeks have been a perfect storm that appears to be leading us to grand, sweeping, life-altering, good CHANGE and possibility.

I keep thinking of a line from Paul Simon's song Train in the Distance, "negotiations and love songs are often mistaken for one and the same"  I think of the songs I sing Kysa as I "negotiate" her to sleep, to eat dinner, or to sit in her car seat just a little longer. Sometimes I think she's living a real life musical. I think of negotiating (ok, bribing) Kysa with M&Ms for going potty. And I think of the negotiations we've been making for our family out of love for each other and the dreams we share.  Yes, these negotiations and love songs could be mistaken for one and the same.

I've spent the last two weeks grounding myself against our perfect storm of change with family and chosen family, who over the last 15 years have known me at my best and loved me at my worst.  Two weeks at the beach with long walks, swimming in the ocean, cooking, after-dinner conversations, porch talks, and lots and lots of laughter soothed my soul like love songs through this rocky yet abundant time.  I think of the old patterns of group dynamics and decision making that show up like irritating but oddly comforting habits...negotiations and love songs? Yes.

And YES!!! We're so close to our Baby Boy that I tried to negotiate with Fredrik to buy a lime green rocking chair for his room this morning (nope, denied). We also spent last night at a car dealership and all morning lovingly (ahem) negotiating what cars our single car family of three will need as a two car family of four. Negotiations and love songs? You bet.

Paul Simon goes on to sing in Train in the Distance "Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance/everybody thinks it's true." We keep listening for the distant train, the call from our agency, the sound of an important email arriving in our inbox, the ding of a text.  Our ears are perked for the distant trains that are due to pull into our station any minute telling us everything is okay, everything is true.

As the flurry of change engulfs us, and as the negotiations get more complicated/uncomfortable/stressful I hope we can continue to ground our hearts in singing our negotiations like love songs.
Someone will need to remind me I said that.

Shanti-
Allison