Friday, March 15, 2013

Bad Mommy

Thank you Universe for serving up a week that has officially kicked my ass. I sit here humbled in exhausted broken toothed humility.  My children have ear infections. I am sleep deprived with a chest cold, a broken tooth, and wounded pride.

Seriously, how do you superwomen with large families do it?

I thought I was going to rock out on this mama-of-two-kids gig.
But, I don't got this.
My confident mommy swagger is a limp.

I'm touched out. We co-sleep for attachment purposes, so I've literally had a little person touching me almost around the clock for 7 weeks, with the exception of about 4 hrs for hair cuts, quick grocery store runs, and a dinner out with friends. My broken tooth is in direct relation to this fact, as Wynray is a master of headbutting and love wacks. We're obviously working on "gentle hands," but holding and wearing Wynray is definitely a full body contact sport.

And to add insult to injury, Kysa informed me just now that I am a bad mommy. And she mentioned Wynray thinks so too. It could have something to do with setting limits around sugar, and not having enough arms to hold two children at one time, so I'll take this judgement with a grain of salt.

But still, ouch. Tough crowd. Way to kick a gal when she's down.

I'm realizing my glaringly obvious error these past 7 weeks: Thinking I can care for my family without taking care of me. We've purposely NOT had any babysitters because we don't want to leave Wynray with anyone until we know he is securely attached in our family. But I believe we'll be interviewing nannies this weekend.  Or at least someone who can let me take a nap.

Thanks Universe.
I got it.
I mean, I don't got it....


  1. It just takes time. You are NOT a bad mommy. In fact, some of the things you are doing I didn't do with either of my adoptions. Yes, they turned out just fine with no attachment disorders (thankfully). They are bonded with us and with each other. So, with that being said - give yourself a break!!!! Don't try to overanazlize it all and just do what you think is right for YOUR family. Will be praying for you!

  2. THANK YOU!! I just keep wondering, does he REALLY know I'm his mommy since he's had so many care givers in his life? Does he think I'll just disappear too? He's been loved by his care givers which is great, but I often wonder how deeply his little heart has been broken. I just don't want him to think for a moment that I won't be coming back :-(

    1. I am really not sure how much they really comprehend at this age. Lily was 14 months when we brought her home and she bonded with us immediately. She was very clingy when we got home and there were days when I would just sit and cry. Alot of sleepless nights. I started from the beginning with my kids sleeping in their own rooms. I, of course, slept in there too initially so they would not be scared. Eventually, I didn't have to do that anymore. When we brought Liam home he was 22 months old and he was a different experience. He grieved his nannies!! It was so hard to watch. However, once home he was much easier adapting than Lily was. On top of it all we dealt with surgeries upon sugeries right after both of them came home. Which, ironically, I think helped with bonding.
      With all that being said, a year later after bringing Liam home it is wonderful. Yes, I still have some hard days (we all do), but they have blossmed in ways that truly amaze me. My flaws and all!!!! I will be the first to say that I lose it sometimes and yell or snap at them when I should have more patience. It will be intersting to see what Miles does to our family dynamic!!! We will see very, very soon.

    2. I'm so excited for you and Miles and your family!! He's just so sweet and such a bright and happy personality! I'm so glad he'll be close by! And while we haven't dealt with surgeries, Wynray has been sick with ear infection after ear infection (and now croup) since we brought him home. I do think his illness has really helped with the bonding since he's allowed himself to need us in such a fundamental way.. And truth be told, he's an easy baby (despite the illness)...but the combo of his wild physicality and my daughter's 3yr old drama is exhausting on every level. But I wouldn't change it for the world. They are incredible kids.

  3. We coslept and found it to be very helpful for our son (who was almost 3), but I think it is kind of like breastfeeding--you have to do what is right for your family and there are a lot of extenuating circumstances that effect what you are able to do. The most important are happy/healthy mom and happy/healthy children!

    It gets better! Really, it does.

    We were in Ethiopia with our son for the first 3 months and I was with him 24/7 with the exception of 2-1 hour breaks when I told my husband I just needed a break:-) In retrospect, I maybe should have taken more breaks...anyway, you will come through this.

    Personally, I would be hesitant to have a nanny take care of Wynray, but having extra help around the house and helping Kysa to be taken care of and have special times, and having someone on hand so you can really nap when W naps, would be priceless for me.

    But, really, you have to do what is best for your family:-)

    Re the broken tooth, could you maybe shift to back carries or side carries to avoid the head whacking? and for cosleeping could you use sidecar a crib or cosleeper to your bed so that you have a little more space...?

    I am so sorry that you are in the thick of the rough parts right really does get better!

  4. Thanks for that input! I'm not comfortable leaving Wynray yet either. We've decided to start interviewing people to help me out in a mother's helper capacity, and hope that person becomes someone we'll eventually be able to trust with Wynray.

    ...and we LOVE cosleeping! We've found it the best way for everyone in our family to get the most sleep. But some nights are more peaceful than others. We have Kysa's toddler bed at the foot of our bed and Wynray's crib sidecar to the bed. But the tendency is for everyone to gravitate towards the middle :-)

    I do use an Ergo with Wynray, but he's obviously not in it all the time. He's super fast and his movements unpredictable. He went from barely walking to running in just a week! The head bonking is usually when we're on the floor playing. He loves to hug and sometimes they just get wild.

    Things are improving and today is a much better day than when I wrote...but wow, is it difficult when everyone is sick and your reserves are already low!

    Thanks for your kind thoughts!