Hard to fathom being at #10 (ok, #16)

Our journey keeps going. Another week, another referral that moves us up the list.

Just this afternoon Allison says to me, "it's hard to check the [IAN] web site and not see a referral that moves us up the list." Yeah, I agree. But I keep telling her, they don't happen every day... not even every week or month sometimes. Yet, they actually DO seem to keep coming. By the end of the day we officially moved up another spot to #16 (unofficially #10 with some families on 'hold').

It's hard not to try to do the math. So, if there is 1 referral per week and we are unofficially #10 and everyone else stays on 'hold' then we will get our referral...

It's hard not to rearrange the house in your mind. So, we'll need to get that extra stroller seat, that extra high chair, that extra car seat, those boy clothes, that other bed...

It's hard not to visualize our family with Mamoosh even more now. So, we really are within grasp of this moment that just a few months ago seemed so far away. Just this last weekend we had a mini Kysa photoshoot with Tamara. Our precious little Kysa so cute with her blonde little curls. But we still can't help talk to Tamara about having her there at the airport to capture our coming home with Mamoosh and those first moments in Charleston with our two beautiful children. I can't wait for that moment...

It's hard not to check the IAN web site daily. Good night for now, I hope to blog again tomorrow [after I check the IAN web site again].

/ fredrik

Light Bulb Bustin' Gratitude

Last night I couldn't sleep, and in the early morning hours my mind began to race about the adoption. After several useless minutes of mind spinning, I was able to rest my mind on our son's Enat (Amharic word for mother). I was able to finally go back to sleep by breathing her thoughts of love and gratitude.

This morning I went to yoga tired, emotionally raw, and my knees and back hurt. I dedicated my practice to Enat as I do every day. Towards the end of class we rolled onto our backs to prepare for back bending practice. My teacher, Jeffrey, began to talk about heart opening and gratitude, and he encouraged us to offer up our efforts to something or someone else. I closed my eyes and thought of Enat, my exhaustion and pain had long disappeared and I felt a deep sense of peace and joy. A smile began to escape my lips despite the effort ahead of me. At that precise moment there was a sharp crack of glass shattering, as the light bulb directly over my head burst and rained down on me.

Just me.
Just around my mat.
Seriously. I couldn't make this up.
Glass was in my hair, my clothes, stuck in my mat, and to my sweaty skin. I could still feel the residue of the peace and joy I felt only seconds before as I looked around me with wonder.

Jeffrey grabbed a broom and swept up the glass around me, and I continued class searching for meaning in the light bulb explosion, monkey mind spinning...Is Enat okay? is she still alive?...was our son just born?...is he okay? (and then embarrassingly, my ego kicked in)...was that a siddhi (special yogic power)? did the enormity of my gratitude bust the light bulb?

And then on the way home I remembered...
Jeffrey started class with the study of the following yoga sutra: abhyasa vairagyaabhyam tan nirodhah
meaning: fluctuations of the mind can be stopped with practice and non-attachment.

He asked each student to rephrase the sutra in our own words.
My version was:
Coming to the mat everyday without taking yourself seriously will bring you sanity.

And so began the conversation with myself that sounded a bit like this in my head...
Slow down, Yogamama, while you might be capable of more than you can imagine, you are NOT an X-men. Thinking that you are capable of blowing up a light bulb with your gratitude probably falls under the category of taking yourself too seriously.

And so light bulb (and Jeffrey-ji), I thank you for simultaneously teaching me the power of possibility and humility. I don't believe in coincidence and perhaps there is a connection to my gratitude, the light bulb and Enat, perhaps it's just time for Jivamukti to change their light bulbs, or perhaps I needed a light bulb to literally explode over my head to teach me a deeper meaning of the yoga sutra.
I'll never know.
And I'm okay with that.
Back to the mat. With light bulb bustin' gratitude.
Swaha.

...and when 17 means 11

...another referral today means we are now #17 officially and #11 unofficially!

Please continue to keep our baby boy and his birth mom in your thoughts and prayers. We thank you all for your enthusiasm and support.

Aum Shanti,
Allison

When 18 means 12....

There's been a string of referrals lately, and we've moved from our place at #23 on May 3 to #18 today! We also learned there are 6 families ahead of us who are "on hold," meaning they are not accepting referrals now. This means they may have gotten pregnant or want to wait a bit before accepting a referral.

Soooooo, unofficially this means we're #12!!!! It's beginning to feel kinda real and I'm feeling all tingly as I write this. Whoa. Whoa...

Here's the email exchange between me, our adoption coordinator, and Fredrik

AW: Hey Cat! I just saw you had a referral for another baby boy! I just wanted to confirm our status. Are we #19 now, and are there still 6 families on hold?

Cat: Hi Allison! Surprise, you are number 18!! There has been a bunch of movement lately, so I double checked. :-) Yes, there are still 6 families on hold before you.

A: Whoop Whoop!! Great news!! Thanks so much ;-)

F: holy smokes, holy smokes, holy smokes, holy smokes, holy smo.....

A: yowza!!!

As an aside, two nights ago I supported the birth of little Emma. Her mom was one of my prenatal yoga students. For the last few weeks I've seen Emma kick and dance around while her mom reclined in goddess pose during the relaxation part of class. Each time I saw her move I would think of my son perhaps dancing in someone else's belly on the other side of the world. I was blessed to witness Emma's arrival on Monday night. She was born beautifully and majestically in water after several hours of labor with soothing music, low lights, candles and 5 loving beings to greet her and help her transition with ease into this world. Her mom, Megan, was a brave and powerful goddess who was surrounded by loving beings all day. She was encouraged, massaged, and loved as she labored. While I was very present for the event, I couldn't help think of my son and his birth mother and wonder about his appearance day. I pray our son's mother is supported by loving, caring hands and I hope he transitions easily into this world and somehow knows how much he is wanted. Being able to support Megan and Emma made me feel connected to my son and his birth mother. I'm so grateful....