Friday, April 13, 2012

I can't go back.

First of all, do you think someone is ready for their Ethiopian sibling?

Lately, my almost 2 year old, in the midst of toddler frustration says this sad and disillusioned mantra: "I can't go back, I can't go back."

Most days she is full of confidence and marches around announcing to the world, "I'm a BIG girl," But often times when she'd exhausted, she cries and whines her mantra "I can't go back" as I tell her to pull up her underwear by herself, put her shoes on, use the potty, wipe her bottom. There is a sadness at the realization that yes, this potty thing is FOREVER.

I believe her internal monologue must sound like this: I am growing up. I can't pretend I don't know how to put on my shoes. I can't go back to diapers because I know how to go potty...I can't go back, I can't go back.

It's killing me.

...for I too know how she feels. I can't go back to my pre-adoption heart, to my pre-adoption not knowing. This adoption process has broken my heart a million times over, and for that I'm glad. Just as Kysa is very proud of growing up and feeling the mastery of accomplishment, I'm also happy that I'm growing up too...and the accomplishment is having my heart blown wide open by forces and events I couldn't have imagined...but oh, the growing pains!!

Sometimes I want to join her toddler tantrum and repeat those potent words, "I can't go back, I can't go back." But I won't...because I'm a big girl (wink, wink).

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