Monday, July 23, 2012

Full Circles and Magic, and Oh Yeah, We' MOVING!!

Tonight we ate dinner at FUEL, our favorite neighborhood restaurant, to symbolically punctuate all our change and to come full circle.  We ate at FUEL 3 years ago on the night we made an offer on our house. Today we accepted an offer to sell it. 

In the last three days Fredrik has accepted an offer to join the new company that was sold off from IBM in Raleigh, we have accepted an offer on our Charleston home, we purchased two cars, turned in our leased Subaru, and finalized the arrangements with the home we'll be moving into.  We've had showings on our home, movers walking through our home for moving estimates and quick conversations with home study agencies in NC to revise our adoption paperwork (hopefully quickly!).  AND we have a nephew due any minute now (come on Kim and Baby O!!)

HOLY COW...I guess I can now officially announce: WE'RE MOVING back to RALEIGH!!!!

So much has happened in the last few months that I haven't been able to share....but now I can.  Almost immediately after we applied to adopt Sweet Baby E we learned Fredrik's division of IBM was being sold to Toshiba.  It changed everything.  Suddenly, Fredrik was traveling ALL THE TIME and a large part of it was to Raleigh.

Fredrik has been able to work remotely for the last 8 years which has afforded us the experience of living in both NYC, and Charleston, SC. Not bad, right? And now we're making our way back to the mother ship.  Toshiba will keep the division headquarters in Raleigh, and Fredrik will now be closer to the middle of things. We think it's pretty important that our family is together as much as possible, especially with the adoption, so we're ALL going to go.

So now for the groovy, ironic, divine intervention type news. Buckle your seat belts.  I couldn't make this stuff up.

Once we realized we needed to move to Raleigh, I found a house online with a yoga studio that I just KNEW we needed to buy.  Kysa and I joined Fredrik on a business trip and we went to Raleigh prepared to make an offer.  Yep. I was THAT sure. We asked our "chosen family" friends, Jim and Glenda, to go with us to give us their unbiased opinion.

The yoga studio house wasn't as sexy in person as it was online. I was very disappointed, and our friends showed us that the house across the street from them was for sale.  I thought they were joking as I knew the neighborhood was out of our price range being a historic neighborhood, walking distance to downtown Raleigh, great schools, museums, restaurants, and best of all...closest proximity to them. 

Jim, a musician (and surfer!), has played/composed/improvised for more of my dance performances than I can count. Glenda and I have performed, taught, collaborated, and shared artistic vision and sisterhood for many, many years.  Glenda and I have slept under the stars together, danced in gas pump graveyards and cow pastures, she has known me through various life phases and hair colors. She spoke in our wedding ceremony and rapped at our reception.  She knows me in my bones. Their daughters read "The Velveteen Rabbit" at our wedding, the same sweet girls I babysat when I was in college. Now those college-aged girls babysit (spoil/love/play with) our daughter. 

So living across the street from the MaCrews seemed almost too perfect, too full circle-like, especially since we'll be moving in with little ones, and their youngest will be starting college next year. 

The only problem was that the house was completely out of our price range. Kind of a deal breaker, huh? But we were curious and we met the owner anyway, and he showed us the house. He and his wife had adopted a little girl from China nine years ago.  We loved the house, the vibe, the street, the proximity to friends and urban life, the fact that we could grow into the house because it's twice as big as our current home....but there was no way we could make the financial stretch.

And then it turned out Joe, the owner of the house, is an angel.
Yep. A real life angel.
Sometimes the impossible happens, sometimes things aren't too good to be true. 
Sometimes people have faith in you and you don't know why. 

Long story short, we're now moving into that house across the street from our dear friends and Joe has generously given us the opportunity to buy a home we couldn't otherwise afford over time... in a time frame that is possible for our family. Wow. wow. wow....
  
Hopefully you're still hanging in there...it's about to get crazier still.

We put our Charleston home on the market about three weeks ago, and about a week ago we got an offer on the house.  After reviewing the offer we noticed the name seemed "interesting" so I did some Facebook stalking. 

The man who wanted to buy our home is from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Let that sink in. 

No, there is not an Ethiopian community here in Charleston.  I have never seen an Ethiopian in Charleston, other than the kids our friends have adopted.  As a matter of fact, one of the main reasons we're so anxious to move to Raleigh is to be in a more ethnically diverse community.  I don't believe in coincidence.  It was a sign.  

After pleading with my husband to just give the man our house in fear that if the deal didn't go through we'd have 10 more years before a referral, I was promptly asked by my sweet husband to let him handle the negotiations. I'm only slightly kidding. I wanted this man to have our house. It felt important, necessary, and somehow intrinsic to the master plan that is being slowly revealed to us.

Today we met the man who wants to buy our house.  He is a young man with strikingly beautiful Ethiopian features, kind eyes, and a slow yet easy smile.  I'm sure I stared and smiled way too much in a super creepy way as I looked for my son in his face. I do this every time I see an Ethiopian man young or old.  You know, taking in the texture of his eyebrows, his hairline, his hair, the straightness of his teeth, the shape of his face, the gentle politeness of his handshake, the quiet way he observed, the tone of his voice.  Our conversation was less than two minutes...Yep. I'm sure I was creepy.  Thank goodness Kysa is cute and distracting.

We didn't share with him our plans to adopt from Ethiopia, it didn't seem appropriate at the time or fair to him. But I got to lay eyes on a man from our son's homeland who followed some cosmic thread of divinity straight to our doorstep.  And he wanted to buy the doorstep and all that was attached to it! We stepped into a miracle and I attempted to soak it in. I'm still soaking it in.

I got to shake hands with the man who we hope will live in our beloved house after we are gone.  The house that supported our growth to a family of three, the house I lumbered around in like a big fat ghost when I was pregnant and couldn't sleep at night, the house I labored in with Kysa, and rocked her, and nursed her, and witnessed her first steps, and heard her first words.  The house that sheltered us through conceiving our adoption preparations and plans.  Our house has contained so much joy I'm not sure how we've managed to keep the roof on.

I couldn't have dreamed up a bigger/better/more beautiful plan. I couldn't think of a more perfect person to live in our perfect little house on Ashe Street.

This afternoon, not more than an hour after meeting this son of Ethiopia, we accepted his offer.  It feels so right.

I believe we are ready to move on, to pass along this happy, sweet space we've called home for three years.  I'm ready to take our family magic and grow it in another space. We have been given the opportunity to move forward into our future, into a home with more space to fill, supported and surrounded by faith, love and loved ones.  The momentum has been hard and fast, but we're ready to trust it and align with it.

What a beautiful, wild and magic ride.   


Feeling so blessed and grateful,
Allison


Oh, ironically, over 10 years ago, Glenda and I choreographed a duet called "Saftey Net" about relationships that become our support systems, our lifelines.  As the old philosophical question goes, does life imitate art or art imitate life?  I'm glad I get to live that question.







Sunday, July 8, 2012

Negotiations and Love Songs

A couple weeks ago, we thought we'd moved up one spot on the waiting list.  After contacting our coordinator we discovered we're actually #2 on the unofficial (but the one that counts) wait list.  There were simultaneous tears and laughter when we found out...and THEN I almost threw up and couldn't breathe.

Why?

Because we're in the middle of negotiating EVERYTHING, and I mean everything!!  Every component of our life seems to be a variable at the moment. I will share more details as things fall into place.  But I can tell you the last couple weeks have been a perfect storm that appears to be leading us to grand, sweeping, life-altering, good CHANGE and possibility.

I keep thinking of a line from Paul Simon's song Train in the Distance, "negotiations and love songs are often mistaken for one and the same"  I think of the songs I sing Kysa as I "negotiate" her to sleep, to eat dinner, or to sit in her car seat just a little longer. Sometimes I think she's living a real life musical. I think of negotiating (ok, bribing) Kysa with M&Ms for going potty. And I think of the negotiations we've been making for our family out of love for each other and the dreams we share.  Yes, these negotiations and love songs could be mistaken for one and the same.

I've spent the last two weeks grounding myself against our perfect storm of change with family and chosen family, who over the last 15 years have known me at my best and loved me at my worst.  Two weeks at the beach with long walks, swimming in the ocean, cooking, after-dinner conversations, porch talks, and lots and lots of laughter soothed my soul like love songs through this rocky yet abundant time.  I think of the old patterns of group dynamics and decision making that show up like irritating but oddly comforting habits...negotiations and love songs? Yes.

And YES!!! We're so close to our Baby Boy that I tried to negotiate with Fredrik to buy a lime green rocking chair for his room this morning (nope, denied). We also spent last night at a car dealership and all morning lovingly (ahem) negotiating what cars our single car family of three will need as a two car family of four. Negotiations and love songs? You bet.

Paul Simon goes on to sing in Train in the Distance "Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance/everybody thinks it's true." We keep listening for the distant train, the call from our agency, the sound of an important email arriving in our inbox, the ding of a text.  Our ears are perked for the distant trains that are due to pull into our station any minute telling us everything is okay, everything is true.

As the flurry of change engulfs us, and as the negotiations get more complicated/uncomfortable/stressful I hope we can continue to ground our hearts in singing our negotiations like love songs.
Someone will need to remind me I said that.

Shanti-
Allison



Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Waiting Weary

We've now been on the wait list over a year.  It wasn't really an anniversary I felt like celebrating, so I'm writing about it a few weeks after the fact. We spent 8 months completing our paperwork to get us wait list ready...so we're now at about 20 months of gearing up for a baby.  No, we haven't painted the nursery.

Did you know elephants have 2 year pregnancies?

Fredrik is being consumed by work, and thankfully for him he doesn't have time to think about much else...but I'm getting weary.  There is a heaviness I can't shake.

I can't emotionally afford to keep reading about adoption, Ethiopia, participating in our agency's FB group, thinking about our baby boy, and his birth family every day....but if I don't I feel disconnected, and then I feel guilty.

I don't want Kysa to suffer from my funk.  She certainly deserves a happy mommy.  Thankfully, her joy is infectious and I can reserve my personal funk for my alone time (ahem, what alone time?).

On last summer's beach vacay, I stood on the beach with one of my best friends and with complete certainty I announced that next summer we'd have a baby boy playing on the beach.  I'm now ordering new swimsuits for this summer's trip with no baby in sight.  And I can say with complete uncertainty that I'm not sure if baby boy will be on NEXT summer's beach vacation.

And now I feel like a jerk for whining about waiting when our baby and his birth family will have their world torn apart in order to relieve our waiting woes.  Welcome to the downward spiral of my mind.

I wish I had an optimistic remark to end on, so....

Thank you for checking in on us...your support means so much.

Namaste,
Allison









Friday, April 13, 2012

Baby E Update

We have the fantastic news to share that Baby E has a forever family!! It's not us, but we couldn't be happier for her and her new family! We are indeed celebrating! Thank you all for praying for her, donating money, and sending her love...please remember her in the weeks and months ahead as her journey will not be an easy one even with a loving forever family.

Baby E touched us, and we will forever be changed by her. She unlocked a room in our hearts we didn't know existed...perhaps another little Ethiopian girl will one day occupy it.

In the meantime...we turn our hope, faith and love to our baby boy. We're soooo ready to meet him.

We are currently officially #11/unofficially #4 on infant boy list

With love and gratitude,
Allison and Fredrik

I can't go back.

First of all, do you think someone is ready for their Ethiopian sibling?


Lately, my almost 2 year old, in the midst of toddler frustration says this sad and disillusioned mantra: "I can't go back, I can't go back."

Most days she is full of confidence and marches around announcing to the world, "I'm a BIG girl," But often times when she'd exhausted, she cries and whines her mantra "I can't go back" as I tell her to pull up her underwear by herself, put her shoes on, use the potty, wipe her bottom. There is a sadness at the realization that yes, this potty thing is FOREVER.

I believe her internal monologue must sound like this: I am growing up. I can't pretend I don't know how to put on my shoes. I can't go back to diapers because I know how to go potty...I can't go back, I can't go back.

It's killing me.

...for I too know how she feels. I can't go back to my pre-adoption heart, to my pre-adoption not knowing. This adoption process has broken my heart a million times over, and for that I'm glad. Just as Kysa is very proud of growing up and feeling the mastery of accomplishment, I'm also happy that I'm growing up too...and the accomplishment is having my heart blown wide open by forces and events I couldn't have imagined...but oh, the growing pains!!

Sometimes I want to join her toddler tantrum and repeat those potent words, "I can't go back, I can't go back." But I won't...because I'm a big girl (wink, wink).

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day....indeed!!

What's better than flowers, cards, romantic dinners, and yummy sweets on Valentine's Day??

Moving up TWO spots on our adoption wait list!! We are officially #11 and unofficially #6 with 5 families on hold in front of us. We're doing the happy dance at our house right now, can you hear us? Yahoooooo!!!!!

The referral today was a 3 month old boy which makes us SUPER excited!!

On this day symbolized by hearts, ours are full and open and ready to welcome our son.
We're waiting for you Mamoosh. While your papa and I just want you in our arms, Kysa says she hopes you have hair...but that's negotiable.

There are days when I doubt this adoption will ever happen....BUT NOT TODAY :-))))!!!
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Everyday Magic

Last night was an epic "rock you" (meaning rock me) to sleep marathon.

Mama, rock you....pleez?
Mama, sing...pleez?
Mama, bed...pleez?
Toss, turn, stare off into space....
Mama, read book....pleez? (denied after first 3 requests)
Repeat (a thousand times)

Just when I thought Kysa (20 months) was really close to dreamland, she bolted upright on my lap and reached for my necklace. She took the pendant, a silver Africa with a heart cut out over Ethiopia, and looked at it closely as if considering something deeply. She looked me in the eye and said, "Africa, Mama." Then she pressed the pendant to my lips for me to kiss, and then laid her head on my chest with her cheek pressed against the pendant. She fell fast to sleep.

As this adoption process drags on and on it's easy to doubt its realness. Who knew it would take a moment of child generated magic to remind me of just how real it is?

...to remind me of the realness of a child's intuition
...to remind me of the realness of our connection with each other
...and to remind me of the realness of miracles, and love and dreams

Thank you, Kysa, my wise little teacher. I will gladly surrender my exhaustion and frustration to your pearls of wisdom and grace.

Aum Shanti,
Allison

Our latest update: Officially #13, Unofficially #9